Wednesday, May. 01, 2002 / 11:00 P.M.
feeling /
 

Death strikes us again...
Well, let's start with the happy parts of the day first then I shall get to the rest. Hmm.. let's see... I got a 93 on that test in math even though I failed the quizzes! That was a relief! Then I went to lunch and played Uno! What a stress reliever and a great way to take my mind off everything that is going on. I didn't go to Chemistry (more later about that...) and in gym we walked 4 laps around the track. Allana and I talked the whole time. It was so nice... I love talking to her! Oh the great times!!! (sigh) She always makes me smile no matter what! Always puts the confidence and bounce back into me. French was normal, not much different there. I went to work although I wasn't looking foward to it. God made it a little easier for me though today. I did the desk and not many other things. I got to throw out stuff and tear apart boxes... great way to release feelings! And I saw Ms. Coppola! She was my 6th grade teacher. She flipped when she found out I had a job. I told her I had to pay for a cell phone and my nails somehow. Well that just about made her jaw drop! I was shocked that she rememebered me and my name! Then I came home and actually cleaned up my room! Strike me down with lightning! Come on you know you wanna! It looks so good and I felt so accomplished. I even did most of my necessary homework. Go me, go me!! (haha) I just finished cake.. yum! Yeah um.. I sound too happy compared to what I am really thinking. Let's go back to where it really started...

Before first period Marielle was telling me that something was wrong with Andrew and it had to do with his family. So I was like, yeah not good. Then Mr. Green came in with a counselor. That usually means someone died. Well someone did. Andrew's 18 year old brother. How sad is that? He died of cancer. He didn't deserve that! Andrew, or his family, or his brother (whose name has slipped my mind)!!! Andrew has had to deal with this basically alone because he isn't one to show his emotions. And now it is gonna be weird when he comes back. With Jessie it was a little easier just because she is so open and would talk about it. But not Andrew. So yeah the rest of the day was shot. The first three periods we did nothing but try to avoid it by talking about other things. But you just can't. It was like this heavy thing that was constantly over our heads. It would come back down on us and remind us of reality if we let it. It is so weird. Again I am going through that whole thing with not being able to cry when I want to. It makes me look and feel so unhuman, so heartless. I know I am not but it feels that way. Then I wonder why it has happened all to often in Humanities lately... first Jessie's dad, then Alana Shaffer, and now Andrew's brother. All were basically unexpected. And I also wonder what this may be preparing us for? What great loss shall happen to us that we need to go through these smaller ones to learn how to be there for each other? Then Marielle and I were talking and we were talking about how awful things would be if one of us died. Oh man! We would be devasted! These are the times when I realize how stupid and selfish suicide is. But it is also these times that make me wonder is life worth it if we are just gonna die tomorrow. Is it worth making the effort of friendship and going through all the pain that comes with friendship just so we can die and hurt people even more? I know there is a purpose for everything and that God has a plan. But dag! I wish we could see why!!! That at times would make things so much easier!! But at least we had people to talk to throughout the day. Instead of going to Chemistry I went to Mr. Green's office w/ Jessie, Owen, Rachel, Leanne, and Addie. It was nice, and I know that I wouldn't have lived through Chemistry. And I feel so bad because everytime I have basically talked to Andrew we have been making fun of each other. I would try to be nice but I always retaliate what he says or does. I know some of it is to hide the feelings and pain, etc. But I just wish that I could have known, even if he didn't know I knew. So maybe I could have been a little bit more leniant. Ya know? So today has been filled with thoughts and questions running through my mind. It has been a crappy, hazy day. Nothing seemed real except when I was REALLY occupied. I have been kind of down and semi-depressed. It isn't as bad as I was when Jessie's dad died but it is pretty darn close. But I guess that is because I have known Jessie longer and know her better so it effected me more. But this effects the whole class. I guess that is what is good about Humanities. No matter what we may all say or do, or no matter how much we hurt each other and tease each other, we all still really care for each other. Whenever something tragic happens or even something really good, we are all there for each other. Celebrating and hurting with each other. It is nice to know there is support like that. I am real lucky because I have some support at home, then when I go to school I get lots of support, and also at church and even on here. I have already had Meri and Sarah help me out. There are some really awesome people on here who care more then some of my friends that I see quite often (no names of course!). But anyway, my point is that I don't know what I would do without having Humanities. That is like my whole school life... well and Allana! (hehe) I go to school because I know that they can brighten my darkesst mood, no matter what it is. If I am having a problem I can just walk in there and have people automatically start caring. How great is that? And for 3 whole periods! What an awesome thought... Despite all the projects and work we do and how much we complain, I think it is all worth it because of the people. I have meet some of the greatest, most open-minded, and caring people through that class. Not to mention the smarts of all these people.. and we are all SOO different! It is amazing that we all even get along! But we do and I love it. So yeah, I hope Andrew talks to someone about this and that he gets better. Because we need him back, without him our class isn't complete.. no matter how mean he can be he is still loved! I am going to be praying for him and his family and I hope you shall too. My mom is making me get off because it is late... maybe sleep will bring some peace and ease the numbness, pain, and unhumanness of myself. God usually makes things better by morning but this isn't one of those gone in a moment things...

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