|
February 15, 2004 /
8:33 P.M.
feeling
/
crazy times
I guess I should update this. This week has been insane. I was so "unstable" all week. Like not even joking! I thought about doing it every night this week. Even last night I was tempted but I knew I had to sing this morning in church and I couldn't bail out. I mean overall I guess things were good. I had no drama with my friends and no real drama with anyone else persay. But this whole counseling thing just keeps going wrong. Like am I supposed to do it in secret cuz that's like the only thing that looks like it's gonna work. Mom just isn't helping any... and I'm trying to partially include her in this and it's not working. She seriously just doesn't care. Granted she doesn't know about the "serious" reasons why I wanna go. Mama and Aunt Jeanne keep telling me to talk to my mom because she would understand. But they don't know my mom. I know that either way she wouldn't care. But I can't stand doing it in the sercret anymore because it jepordizes Aunt Jeanne's relationship with Mom and I just can't handle the guilt that could come with that. And how cautious and sneaky I have to be. I didn't like it the last time I did it... and that was only the first time. So I don't know how I could keep doing it. (sigh) There always gotta be drama when I try to get better. I wonder sometimes if it's even worth getting help! Maybe I'm not meant to get better. I dunno. Last nite I went to a party and saw how crazy it was. I was like this is how the world is. This is how I'll be if I don't stay with Jesus. And I got mad scared. I realized more than ever how blessed I am to know Jesus and all. It makes me so much more determined to stick with Him. The people were mad crazy and it was just bad. I definitely I'm gonna think twice next time a party like that comes around or I'll leave earlier. I don't even know how things ended up or what happened after I left but honestly I don't wanna know. This morning was amazing though. No one came to see me but I think it was better that way. I was with all my friends, the people who really care about me. And everyone loved my song. =) The recording came out real good too. Some girl wants to buy a copy off of me!! So after I get it copyrighted I might give out copies... it could be good. Maybe if I get lucky Edward will help me get it on CD cuz burning it is easier than recording by tape! But the song was the best I have ever sang it. And just seeing the looks on people's faces as they read the words and as the music touched them. And you know what I love about my church? Everybody randomly knows who I am. So not only do I see and talk to all my close friends but I get hellos and small talk from all these random people. I'm so gonna miss that when I head off to college. There are so many things I wanna do and even sing before I go away to school. It's just that there isn't enough time. And everytime I do something it's like I have to store it away forever because it could be my first and last. Ya know? (sigh) It's so depressing.
then /
now |
