January 08, 2004 / 11:40 P.M.
feeling /
 

i feel like an idiot!
Since not many of my friends know that I am using this again I think I'll keep it that way. I really need to vent. I really don't know what I'm feeling about Rashon right now. I mean, I used to been "in love" with him as I thought. But I really thought I got over him. When we talked though on Monday it was like everything came back to life again. I felt everything coming back and realized that I was so tempted to be with him. I want someone to love me like that, ya know? But I also know that I could completely get carried away and swept off my feet, which sort of scares me. I don't wanna get myself into something that I won't be able to handle. Considering he has had a piece of my heart since forever... it kind of hard not to love and miss him. It's so true that once you give your heart away it's so hard to pick up all the pieces. And he has one of them that I'll never get back... but I don't if I really want it all back yet. Am I willing to allow myself to possibly be hurt though by trusting him? I want to trust him and believe everything he said is true. Yet I have such a hard to time believing that anyone could possibly feel that way about me... little old me. Maybe I'm just afraid. Who knows!

Then today I think I started to blow things with Shari again. Why can't I just be the nice and sweet friend that I know I can be? Why do I always have to be sarcastic and crap? I take after people that I always critize for being that way. I don't like how it's rubbing off at all! (sigh) I don't wanna ruin the friendship that I have with her at all. I really cherish it but I think I've also told her too much. I think I've opened up a little more than she can handle. But I mean I thought we were both cool like that. She shared a lot with me but I guess maybe she's not ready to handle me yet. I mean I can become very dependant, which I must say is a bad thing and sometimes I must admit the world "revolves" around me. But isn't that how everybody feels sometimes? Maybe I'm a weirdo or something. But everything seemed to be going wrong with my friends today. Like I said things with me and Shari. Then I blew Greg and Shari off at the end of the day. Goodness knows what they said after I left. I'm not really in the mood to speak to them or see them tomorrow anyway right now. And then Addie started going off at me about how I always have to have the last word. But could that possibly be because she is always assuming how I think and feel and she is never right about it? (sigh) And my group project is gonna suck because we have nothing do and have no clue what we are gonna do. I have so much do and so much going on. I need another break. I should have done more over winter break but oh well. It's over now and there is nothing I can do about it. Then there is all this college stuff. What am I gonna do? I know I need to rely on God... but um yeah, things in that department aren't all peachy keen either. Maybe that's why everything seems so messed up as of late.

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