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February 08, 2004 /
9:53 P.M.
feeling
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see I'm updating...
It has been a long time since I have updated... as has been pointed out to me. =) I guess I just haven't been up to pouring my heart out to those who can read it. I've kept my thoughts mostly private lately. Some stuff happened during the week that really hurt from people who I care about very much. And I know they love me and want the best for me. They never mean to hurt me but that doesn't stop the pain from hurting. So I decided it was best to just not tell anyone anything again. I went back into my shell because it felt so much safer. No one could hurt me if they had no connection in which to hurt me through. But that didn't last long. I gave in and told Mama. It hurt me a lot more to see her worry then the initial hurt. It always hurts me more when I know people care and they are getting upset about something I may have done or am not doing. Even if they are the person(s) that are hurting me! (sigh) And then today to top it all off some more stuff happened with my friends. They were cracking on me again tonite, which normally is cool but the fact that they were doing it all day and I specially told them I didn't appreciate it and it bugged me. Granted, it is their personality but the last thing I need right now is blows to my self-worth and self-esteem and that's exactly what they did. It hurt so bad... I mean they used to do this all the time when I first came to this church. But it had gotten much better since then and now we are mad tight. So what do they do? Go and start doing it again.. and in my state of mind I just can't handle it! It's not cool. I still have yet to talk to Aunt Jeanne because she is flipping out that I have decide to "not get help" anymore. (sigh) It would have helped if she didn't cause she much drama about it. So yeah... today was all right but I'm still hurting from all this. I try to make things ok... I try to be happy. I know I can't do it without God. But I'm trying. I'm doing my "homework" as Will called it when he told me to do it. And I'm doing a leadership course for church which is requiring me to read the word. So at least I'm reading it now. Things are looking up and worship has improved so much since that. Now I just gotta work on prayer and not falling back into the way things used to be. I'm tired and need to go to bed. Tomorrow is Monday and I got a long week ahead of me. Plus I have to sing "my song" on Sunday morning so I need to practice this week and pray (!!) about it too.
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