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January 25, 2004 /
9:12 P.M.
feeling
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Not feeling the love
Well I don't even know where to start. The purpose of this diary is to vent my feeling and my blurty is to just tell about my day. But I can't even figure out my feelings right now. I really do need to go to counseling like Aunt Jeanne and Mama both suggested. Cuz I'm almost always depressed. I'm always putting up a front and no one ever sees the real me. Well, except Mama... and sometimes Aunt Jeanne. But Mama and I are so similar it can be scary at times. lol. I'm not afraid to show them because I know they love me no matter what. Their love isn't conditional and they have proved it time and time again. So they can see the truly ugly person that I have become inside. Only they know what I have turned into... and actually I don't even think they know the extent. And I just realized something. The reason why I can't take compliments is because I hate myself so darn much. I don't even know why or even when. Well I sorta know why... but I just don't know when this transformation started. It was pretty young though.. like middle school. And then during my early high school years at FWC I thought it was better but I realize now I was just hiding it from everyone else including myself. So now it's all coming back because my layers of protection have slowly been coming off here. Love can do so much. For example, today I almost broke into tears because the message was speaking to me. So I was hurting after the service was over because I know what I need to do but I just can't. Then Mama came up to me later and just gave me this giant bear hug and told me she loves me. But I guess she could tell that I still wasn't ok so she gave me another one and reminded me that she is always there for me. I love her so much. She has been true to that so far. But whose to say that she won't be like all the rest? They say it too. I pray she won't be because I love her so much and I've been sharing a lot with her. And man if she was to hurt me it would be pretty deep. She's gotten through a lot of layers of my barriers that I set up. I find it weird though that I can love, genuinely love, so many people in my life yet so passoniately hate myself. It's so confusing. But I guess that has to do with how things between me and God have been. I'm a slacker. And what sucks is that I know how mighty and awesome God can be. I know what it's like to be close to Jesus. But right now I'm not and I'm miserable. But for some reason I just can't go back to Him. Am I mad at God? Am I too hurt to seek Him? Do I feel that I don't deserve Him? Do I feel too unworthy and full of sin? (sigh) I really need to get my act together. College is soon. I can't be unstable when I leave. Man, things are already gonna be crazy when I have to leave and being unstable to begin with is gonna be real hard. I wouldn't survive college life. I'm so afraid of what I would do to my self. Besides the fact, that presently I have nothing finished to even finalize anything at my schools! I need to get going on that. Maybe I should do it now.
then /
now |
