January 26, 2004 / 8:02 P.M.
feeling /
 

short rant
Thanks Alice. I really should go but it's so hard. But I do see your point that it is better to go now than never. But maybe this entry I should explain another reason why I'm not going and more into my "troubled" mind. Thanks for the encouragement fan4. Allison, thanks for your note too. You're right coming back to Him isn't hard. He accepts us right away and He is waiting. So in that sense it is easy. But I just can't seem to do it. I don't know why. And I wish I did because I know that I don't like how things are... and I used to be such a happy person.

Ok, first the other reason why I can't go to counseling. We don't have the money. Already my dad goes to counseling and he needs it for the sake of our family. He has a lot of issues that need to be worked out for the sake of my 4 brothers who are younger than me and really need their father in their lives. Granted I need him too but that's a totally different story. One of my younger brothers also needs counseling for his ADHD so he can adapt socially with his own age. Plus my parents have no clue about my depression and even my thoughts of suicide from years ago. I never told them and so they don't know. Some of my friends and mentors know. Actually if I'm really close to them I've probably told them about it. I've been this way since 7th grade and I'm now a senior in high school. It hasn't really changed much since then except I've learned to hide it real well except when it gets bad. We seriously just don't have the money to deal with it right now and I know that. Things aren't going all that great at home right now. Christmas was a miracle in itself.

Anyway, enough explaining for now. Today wasn't that bad. Shari kinda already knew how I was feeling on Friday so I basically told her I was in the same mood today. She wrote me a lovely note that I need to answer though. I made it through the day without flipping out and Greg called me during gym. Today I actually wasn't as bad as I thought I would be today. Either that or I did a darn good job of hiding it from myself and everyone else. That's prolly the case though because I know that at work and school I can't be real. They don't care that much! (sigh) But I know Shari understands so if I really need to vent I know she's there. She's been through this too. And honestly sometimes someone who has been there can really help just because you know they understand exactly what you are feelin, even though they may not know your situation exactly. It's better then having people just nod their head and pretend they know what you mean!

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