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March 03, 2004 /
10:45 P.M.
feeling
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the end
So yeah today sucked majorly. Of course she was pissed at me and decided to make my day at school a living hell. Yet again knowing how to make me feel like a worthless piece of trash. And no one else really understands how much what she is doing is killing me. Greg made me smile today though. He didn't know I needed it... but he made my day brighter for a little while. He told me he missed me and stuff, then Shari came over and we all walked to lunch together. =) Sometimes friends aren't all that bad. But then the rest of the day was awful. But Mar and I talked which was nice... I'm having dejavu of last year all over again. Only last year I wasn't this much on the edge... or this close to going over. Today has definitely been pushing all the "right" buttons! And of course work was a hell in and of itself. Things just keep changing. Then I went to Rebel Yell... that sucked and the only person who made my day better was Ashante.. everyone else... well let's just say my attitude didn't change much. Then I had to go BACK to work!! Sheesh... way for my lovely day to end. All day I've thought about ending it. For real. It got real bad at work. I even thought of a poem for it... I thought about when I wanted to do it... and how. I really should go to counseling. This is definitely not healthy for me at all. And goodness, if Aunt Jeanne or Mama knew how close I am they would tell my mother in a heart beat or something as drastic as that. Maybe that's why I haven't been telling them all the things that have been running around in my head lately. The next two days are gonna be hard ones to get through. (sigh) College darn well better be more than all this... otherwise I'm not gonna have a reason to keep going. If it's at all like high school then I'm in trouble. I mean, I've had some good times... like today.... before and after lunch. And of course Ashante knows how to make me smile... she has been trying to do it all day. The good used to almost always outweigh the bad when I thought about it... but now... now it doesn't come close.... Life sucks.... (if I don't update here I usually update at this site.... http://www.blurty.com/users/calvarydiva/ just cuz it's easier to update than here. that one is right on my desktop.. so yeah. I really do need to come here more often.)
then /
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