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January 28, 2004 /
9:24 P.M.
feeling
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truth
Since I had no school I was able to sleep more than normal so I didn't really have time to think about stuff. I can't really say that today was better than yesterday though. Yesterday I talked to Ashante and realized so many things about myself that I had hidden. She made me feel ten times better. Today I called her and we talked for a little bit. =) It's nice being friends with her completely again. But then I had some girl be a total nuisance today before I went to work. By the time I actually got to work I was just sick of caring about anything. I was in my "the-whole-world-sucks" mood. It was not a good mood to be in but luckily I didn't do a lot that require energy. After dinner I called Mama. She and I talked about this Home Fellowship Leadership Course my pastor wants me to do. Tell me how I'm gonna be a Home Fellowship Leader when I am not even really "with" God right now? It just won't work! No way does it make sense. But then the other option is youth group praise team, which hasn't been the best either. Prolly for the same exact reason. Then Mama got me to talk about the depression and stuff. I told her basically everything I told Ashante so that now she knows. Only as I was talking to her I started to cry. I NEVER cry! And I couldn't stop. She is trying to help me and is working out a way for me to get help although I keep telling her I don't want it. But she's coming out of exactly what I'm in so she knows everything I'm feeling. I guess that's why I can be so open with her. Cuz she's been down the road I'm traveling and she knows how it ends up. She doesn't want me to have to be like she is. Right now I guess all that I really need is love... and lots of it. Love heals all things (cuz God is love ya know!). I just wish that I could believe all that Mama told me. She was telling me who the "real" me is... and I wish I could believe her. But that's not who I see myself as. But at least I know there is someone there who cares. I've decide though that I'm gonna stop trying to hide cuz hiding it all makes it worse and hurts more than letting it all go. If people see... well then I don't know. I guess my fear is that I don't want people to see my problems because they have so many of their own why do they need mine. I've always been the listener... everyon's source of strength. If they needed prayer they would always come to me. I was the one who was always "connected" with God. What ever happened to that girl? If people saw that I'm not that girl anymore... what would they say? What if people found out that I'm not really who they think I am??
then /
now |
