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February 22, 2004 /
9:33 P.M. what do you do when the world sucks and no one can fix it? Friday I was definitely planning on going to school but things never work out how I plan them. Thursday nite my leg cramped up real bad for over half an hour. The pain was excruciating! I wanted to die it hurt so bad and nothing could make the pain go away. It finally went down though enough for me to sleep. But then when I went to turn off my alarm the next morning I realized that I couldn't put any pressure on my leg without being in severe pain. It was real bad so I had my dad get me a heating pad and told him I was staying home. There was no way I was gonna walk around school all day with pain like that. I slept for most of the day with the heating pad on my leg. When I woke up again I called out sick from work cuz yet again I can't go if I can't walk. Eventually the pain of walking subsided a lot... but I was still limping quite a bit. I decided to go to youth group cuz Raquel and David were speaking. I went and did praise and worship with John, but I sat down. It was pretty good. I loved the songs we did. Raquel and David had a nice "message". It was funny... I must say. Mama skipped out again. She said she wouldn't leave the youth group even though she isn't in charge anymore but I think she is slowly going. I know she says she loves it and all but I don't think she'll stay for long... either that or she'll just always skip out. What is happening to our youth group? Teens need security and consistency just like everyone else... and this group ain't getting it. Mike is great and all but it's not the same anymore... it's not as fun. I want Mama and Papa back! I want Ali and Sam back... things started going downhill when they left. And then Darcy went off to college. (sigh) Saturday I went to work and had some drama there. Then my mom and I got in a fight. I went to church to practice for the WM choir thing. Well of course they finished as I was walking in. I knew I shouldn't have tried. GRR! And then no one wanted to drive me home. Yeah thanks, love y'all too! Luckily Joann decided to be nice and drive me. It's not like I live far, sheesh! And I would so do it for any of them!! Then I went home and got ready for the Banquet. I got there at 2 pm just as everyone else was suppose to. It was just me and Ang. So I ran all these errands for her. Mama and Aunt Jeanne didn't come in until later. They actually sat in the car and talked for a mad long time. Way to help! Then people started to show up to help. Of course I had like 3 different people telling me things to do. And I don't say no a lot because I'm a people pleaser. So not only did I get yelled at to do stuff but I got in trouble for not doing the things fast enough cuz I was trying to do 3 things at once! I was getting real pissed then and I wasn't afraid to show it either. But other people were in bad moods so I tried to be stronger for them. It worked for a while. Then I had hot water from the hot dogs spilled on me. That hurt and then when I had to go outside I was FREEZING! The banquet itself went nicely. It was better than last year I think. The food was better, the decorations were better, just the whole thing in general. It was fun after I got over being completely ticked. How can I stay ticked when there are so many people I had to play nice for and that were actually real nice back? I got Vanessa upset, which I feel really bad about. I'm a bad friend... what can I say? I suck and I guess she still hasn't figured that out yet. I got real ticked at Mama though. She noticed and asked me about it later. I can't stay mad at her when she talks to me face to face like that though. She really is a sweetie and if she knew she was making me upset then she would have apologized from the beginning. Ang and Judy noticed I was real upset. They were both kinda worried. Ang made me feel a thousand times better though. I'm beginning to like her more and more. She is definitely a cool lady to chill with. At the end of the night Aunt Jeanne was in tears. Goodness knows what was wrong... but then I felt like I had no right to be mad at anybody anymore (I was mad at her too). So I ended up making myself feel like trash because I convinced myself I had no right to be upset, that I was a bad friend, and that things would be better if I just didn't exist. Although I got compliments about my "beautiful" singing and many about my song last week... and even about how nice I looked or what I good job I did with the picture booth. None of that mattered... I'm so set on how awful I am. Then today... I didn't even want to go to church or wake up but I knew I needed to. So I did. I talked to Steph a little bit and did the nursery. I had two babies! Wow, my hands sure were full. It was tough but I managed. Then I went to go talk to Mama, that sucked. Aunt Jeanne wasn't there... so I called her later to see how she was doing and ended up being a nuisance. I finally did some of my homework for bible class on Tuesday and then took a nap. When I woke up I ate dinner and decided it's time for me to quit the praise team. I'm not worthy enough to be standing up there singing and I never really wanna go anymore anyway. So I think I'll write Donna and Floyd a note and give it to Olivia to give to them. Plus John is on it and I can't stand being on it with him. I don't like how the praise team has changed either. Too much is changing and I don't like it at all. So here I am... I'm suppose to be finishing my project and should be doing Morgan's work but yeah.. never do work in his class! I have my away message up and haven't talked to anyone and no one's talking to me, except Ashante. She talked to me but then she had to go. Tomorrow is prolly gonna be like today. I'll exist in the physical sense but otherwise I've shut down to the whole world. I'm sick of existing. I'm sick of screwing up everything. I'm sick of hurting people and people hurting me. I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of stupid people, shallow people... I'm just sick of it all. And not only do I have school tomorrow but I have work and choir. Not fun at all. School means more presentations and beign fake... work is the "new" system they made, and in choir I have to see almost all the people I am having issues with. The whole day I have to pretend.... but why... I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. But if I don't then I have to talk about it... do I really wanna do that? Not really. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Like some freak thing so I don't hurt anyone by doing it myself and so I have no pain. Then the world would be better cuz I'm not in it. |
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